This should be a good day, or it ought to be. But suddenly out of nowhere, it just feels kinda blue. Not moody, nor depressed. Just that it dawn on me to have that kinda feeling, it's mild, not overwhelming, i'm not sad. Just blue.
So many things has been happening lately, one of the more significant changes after started working is you lost most of your me-time. I used to spending most of the time myself, doing nothing, staring blank at the wall, let the thoughts run wild, process stuff that has been happening, reflecting on every decisions that I've made. But now, having time to myself is a luxury. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, most of it is spend working, going classes, travelling, jam, boyf, friends and all. I don't even have the time to think, to think if wht i've done is correct or whether is it justifiable, i need more time, i need to think. I've felt so different lately, I don't process stuff anymore, thinking is a time-consuming task, and also a task that has been on the to-do list for so long(well, psychologically), always a high priority one. It has been flagged, put red-sign on it, yet i still don't have the mind capacity of dealing with it. It's like a floodgate, or a pandora's box, once u open it, there's no way you could have fit it back in into the tiny little box at the corner, it's either you deal with it or you not.
Although study shows that you only use a minimal of 5-10% of the brian capacity that we own but somehow rather i couldn't help but feel helpless, i'm always exhausted. Partly contributed to the part of me not letting go the very little me-time i kept for myself in the night by trying to stay up a little longer, spending more time myself. It's a vicious circle i know, but there's nothing much i could do about it.
I know i'm being childish for trying to hold on to that, but it feels like a part of me, i'm still not done with that, i would hold on for as long as possible to do so. Probably until before i could dealt with the psychological effect of growing up, this is still gonna be a part of me. Do not blame me, it's just who I'm.
Don't tell me to sleep early, i would if i could. I'm sorry.