Saturday, July 24, 2010


Exam is over. Rest assured, I'm not dead, nor in pieces. I just merely, quit! Never would in a million years that I pegged myself as a quitter. However, in this exceptional circumstance, I think I just pull the plug cause I couldn't take it anymore. It's just too much to handle.

The exam stress for this time around built up pretty early. Prolly around a little more than a month before exam even begin. I think I'm secretly freaking out cause I've been working full-time until March and didn't stop completely until May. Plus there's this complication with the transcript and the application. In fact, my application wasn't certain until 3 weeks before exam. All that certainly has a role to play in inducing all that craziness.

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I tried my best not to let it affect my life, trying not to let it get the best of me. Trying to show everyone I love that I could do it, they shouldn't worry. However, what I did was keeping everything inside of me, trying to compress it so it doesn't explode. I was holding everything in so much so that I just merely numb. Numb at the exam pressure, numb when I was studying, numb when clock is ticking so slowly yet so scary. Now I know, I was in a condition that was referred as limbo. It was even like this on the exam morning, I knew I should be freaking terribly yet I just felt numb. I kept mumbling that I was scared beyond my head but in fact it was so numb I couldn't feel anything.

Finally I knew something was terribly wrong when I went home, couldn't keep any food down but slept for 5 hours. Woke up to a glorious dinner yet has no appetite. The supposedly easy next paper looks like French to me. Nothing make sense, nothing freaking stick! I was so scared, I shivered in my sleep. That was then I knew this is too much, way beyond that I could take it anymore. I just Quit! Make my decision then and there. It was always in there somewhere but I couldn't just quit even before I try.. but now I did, it's just, I was caught off-guard, I wasn't well prepared enough.

I'm now back in my hometown, still shopping like crazy. Have no idea what to do with my life yet, but I'm in no rush to find out what I want to do yet. I've been planning all my life so meticulously what to do, when to do. Now I just want to enjoy the time when no pressure is on my shoulder and yet millions of opportunities just opens up. I want to take my own sweet time doing things I like, while figuring out what I'd like to do =)

So, yea..I'm back!

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