Yesterday

I've never feel like this before, ever, after exam.

Mostly during exam, if i studied, i should be alright, most of the time anyway. This time, it's like the only time of my college days that i actually feel confident for the paper, it's philosophical, so i guess i should be alright. I literally feel like just turning the clock so that time can pass by a little faster the night before, all the ancient english and philosophy like language etc. It's just too much after u've been reading that for 8 days, straight.

Well, i was kinda happy when i went into the exam hall, i prayed before i open the question paper, feel good about it, then opened. There it is! First few was do-able, then move on, then realised that all those stuffs that our lecturerSSSsss told us we ought not study then, came out.

Right there, staring back at me, i was stocked, stumped, to say the least.

I feel terrible, played, and bad. This is a very crucial paper, if i fail this subject and even i passed with flying colours for all other subject(s), i'd still get a GD, as in i won't be able to practice in M'sia. I've never fail any paper before, and according to the experienced, they don't normally do any cutting of the student on our final year. They eliminate 1/2 of the class on 1st, another 1/2 from the second. So mostly when we're in our 3rd year, the painful part is over. Well, guess it's not like that this year.. I've no idea what've gotten into the brain(s) of our examiners, what hit them to make them come up with this kinda Qs? It's terrible, atrocious.

I freaked, panicked, blank. I completed all my Qs, but though I don't think I did good enough, it's like an underperformer or so. I don't feel like myself after that, I could be quite pursuasive on my usual days, but not yesterday. I cried after I went home, felt terrible. And couldn't sleep..It doesn't even feel like my hands are gonna fall off after 3 hours of continuos writing, it's more like, what am i gonna do now??

I feel beaten and crushed. I've no idea where I would find the motivation to finish 3 more papers, yesterday paper was the 1st, i've 3 more coming up. Well, lucky for me(i guess) that my next paper is only on next friday, and i've a bit of time before that to clear my thoughts and try to move on. I've never felt this way, i looked at the food, and i feel guilty of eating it, it's like..I'm this useless already, I probably don't deserve any goodness in life. Normally i'm quite optimistic(if i were to say so myself) i dunno what have gotten into me, that makes me this pessimistic, i guess the stakes were too high, i wanted it so bad, it felt so near, like i could already touch it with the tip of my tongue, i've been building that for so long, and suddenly, there's a great chance that it might not came true?

Call me kiasu, but this battle, I don't think I can afford to lose.